请求20日修改作文(页 1) - 雅思写作大家谈 - 无忧雅思论坛雅思|IELTS|留学|出国|移民

appleyao 发表于 2005-8-12 03:56

请求20日修改作文

请问老师现在能问20号的考生修改作文吗?
谢谢!![em02]

吕蕾发表于 2005-8-12 17:05

可以，你发过来吧

appleyao 发表于 2005-8-12 18:40

我发到您邮箱了,有好几篇.太谢谢了[em02]

parwa 发表于 2005-8-15 18:11

一次发过来这么多丫, 这次就全都给你批改吧, 不过以后要修改作文，请先去环球雅思学术写作中心购买作文批改卡，同时环球雅思学术写作中心也提供一系列的作文批改，作文辅导和作文写作服务，以帮助烤鸭们取得满意的成绩。
As the 21st century dawns, science is pushing back the boundaries of human knowledge and understandings further. Computer, as a representation of the modern technology, is often blamed for doing harm to children’s physical and mental development. However, I hold the belief that computer, if used wisely, can be the best tool for children’s development.
 
Firstly, computers cannot be condemned for the flaws in human nature. Admittedly, sitting in front of the radioactive screen for a long time will result in many kinds of diseases, such as short-sightedness, obesity or even shin cancer; precious time exceedingly lavished on computer games or on-line chatting will dilapidate their study; exposure to porns will lead them go astray. However, examining these facts more closely, we will find out that the direct cause is the improper use of computer by children themselves. In other word, they can all be avoided thoroughly with self-control and will power. Without the right sense as to how to choose what is right for them as well as will power, they would easily walk on the wrong way even if there were no computers. 
 
Moreover, no one can deny that computers contain colorful educational programs which are beneficial to children’s growth. Not to mention how much information a child can get from the Internet, which is far more than what they can gain from teachers and books, just looking at the success of distance-learning, a new model of education, we can see clearly that the huge potential of learning by computers.
 
Overall, computers are essential as a tool to children’s development, especially in today’s fast-changing society. Like any other form of mankind’s inventions, computer deserves the acknowledgement and respect rather than abuse, and it should be made full use of.

parwa 发表于 2005-8-15 18:27

以With the development of society, many customs and habits have changed a lot. Is it a good or bad phenomenon?为题的文章跑题了，所以就不给你修改了。
这篇题目其实是评论对于传统和习惯的改变是个好的现象还是不好的现象，而你的作文重点却是评论世界同化的不可取之处, 跟题目是不一致的。
注意globalization 和 many customs and habits have changed a lot 是两码事.

parwa 发表于 2005-8-15 20:04

另一篇修改如下:
 
Q: Do you think it is better to send criminals prison or to give them better education and job training instead?
 
Nowadays, as the crime rate tends to rise in most countries, there is a hot debate on whether criminals should be confined to prison or given the chance of turning a new leaf. Personally, I firmly believe that sending them to prison is an effective way to control violence in the society.
 
Firstly, there have been abundant evidences showing that rehabilitation is an ineffective way to prevent crimes. The most obvious reason turns out to be that human nature is hard to change, especially when people reach their adulthood. On the other hand, some people may be attracted by the good conditions of rehabilitated places, such as free access to the Internet and well-organized educational programs, which would in turn mark up the crime rate again. A study in California reveals that after a series of reforms in a prison, including transformation for better living environment, building a library for criminals and so forth, the crime rate remarkably mounts up, going against many people’s good will.
 
Furthermore, some criminals who are beyond rehabilitation deserve to be imprisoned as a punishment to bring back the justice to the society. Yet some people may have certain moral concerns for them. However, as a rational human being, every one should answer for what he has done. Otherwise, there is no need for the law to restrict one’s behavior, and we put them in jail just because we treat them as rational human beings. As for the relatives or friends of victims, they would feel appeased only if the criminals pay the price of committing a crime.
 
In short, sending convicts to prison does not violate some people’s moral concern. Instead, it serves as a useful deterrent against future crime, and helps to maintain the social justice.

parwa 发表于 2005-8-15 20:05

今天就给你改这么多了，好累!
看了你的几篇文章，发现你还真是个可造之材,作文稍加修饰，完全可以突破7分的。

appleyao 发表于 2005-8-16 06:21

thanks so much!!! [em02] 不知如何回报了~~

parwa 发表于 2005-8-16 18:26

Should women join the army?
These days (1), some people argue that women should not be allowed to join the army because they don’t suit the army. Of course, women are different from men both physically and psychologically, (2) however (3), assuming women’s unsuitability for militaries simply because those differences is nothing but a bias. (4)
 
Firstly, every one should be given the chance to pursue their dreams. If a woman is relatively (5) strong and interested in military affairs, brave and patriotic, ready (6) to apply her related knowledge to a career she feels proud of, then (7) why shouldn’t she be allowed to join the army? In fact, there are lots of heroines in most countries’ history, (8) like in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">China</st1:place></st1:country-region>, (9) Liu hu lan, Qiu jing, they are names of revolutionists people always remember (10). Similarly, Eileen Collins is given the opportunity to become an astronaut, and now she is the captain of the space shuttle Discovery.
 
Moreover, there are various roles in an army (11). Not only are soldiers needed, but it also requires good nurses, cooks, secretaries and other rear-services. In this regard, women’s carefulness and patience are of great need, and they would provide soldiers with good rest, nice diet as well as mental comfort, which are the integral part of a military life.
 
In addition, women have some special traits that will do good to an (12) army. It is said that (13) women tend to have better self-control than men, and follow disciplines more strictly, so in some critical moments, they are usually easier administrated. What’s more, women are considered to be talented encouragers, (14) just think about the cheerleaders in every game, you will easily know how big a role women can play in the soldiers’ morale. (15)
 
Overall, by taking all the arguments into account, I firmly believe that women should be allowed to join the army, and this is the trend today and in the future.
 
点评： 
TASK RESPONSE： 作者很好的论述了支持妇女参军的理由，每段的层次非常清楚自然，真正地做到了can be easily followed, 是一篇不可多得的习作。但本文的不足是中心句的把握稍微欠缺。如第二段的中心句是人权问题，而论据却变成妇女在军队中可以有很好的表现，因此中心句应该有两个方面：一为人权，二为妇女会有很好的表现。
COHERENCE AND COHESION：全文的连贯及语意的连接都做的很到位，连词的使用也显得恰到好处。但段落之间的连接词用的稍显生硬，如FIRST，MOREOVER，等。其实象这种结构清楚的文章，此类的关联词的意义并不大，在每段的首句开门见山的表达出自己的观点就完全足够了。当然，如果一定要用，可以将这些词改为：The first and obvious reason is that, what’s also worth mentioning is that ***, 效果完全就不一样了。
语法方面的问题就参照修改的地方吧，加括号的注释为需要修改之处。
（1） In recent years,
（2） 此处应该将逗号改为句号。
（3） However
（4） 此句缺少谓语，可修改为：the assumption of women’s unsuitability for military affairs is simply nothing but sex discrimination.
（5） 此处的修饰用的不当，可将其改为enough并置于strong之后。
（6） 这些形容词都换成名词，句子会更加好看：with bravery, patriotism, and readiness 
（7） Then删去。
（8） 逗号改为句号。
（9） In <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">China</st1:place></st1:country-region>
（10）此句话的表达很生硬，建议改为：Qiu Jing, Liu Hulan, as famous soldiers in the revolution, enjoy a long-standing popularity in Chinese generations for their bravery and admiration-inspiring performance. 
（11）the army
（12）the army
（13）It is said改为Psychological research shows会更让人信服
（14）逗号改为句号
(15) 这句话除了语法上的不当之外，语言也显得口语化，改为：It can be easily noticed that how indispensable a role women can play in the soldiers’ morale with a view of the cheerleaders in every game

parwa 发表于 2005-8-16 18:28

作文写的好棒哦! 如果你能再多做一些练习, 作文稳获7分是没有问题的。
[align=right][color=#000066][此贴子已经被作者于2005-8-17 13:24:50编辑过][/color][/align]

appleyao 发表于 2005-8-17 23:48

再次谢谢老师[em01]

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请求20日修改作文