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christanson 发表于 2005-8-24 05:29

好心人看看这篇能不能得6分

剑2 
Test 2 
Writing task 2
我看了范文，结果我虚了，对本作没了信心，还是请大家评评本作吧。。。
 
“Prevention is better than cure”
 
Out of a country’s health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures.
 
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
<DIV >
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“Prevention is better than cure” is a very common sense among public. It is obviously that nowadays governments spend more money on prevention of diseases instead of cure them than before. In my opinion, I think such actions are totally correct.
 
Firstly, many people are spending a lot of money on the research of some meaningless treatment of some disease which almost impossible to cure. So it is better for people to change their focus and then concentrate more attention on their prevention. Through this, people can prevent more unnecessary pain at the same time. For example, AIDS is such a disease which few people have been cured. It is common knowledge that too much money has been afforded by governments to find out how to cure it. But result is still hopeless. In contrast, the researches on how to prevent this badly plague are developing very well. Now more people know the reasons of being infected and hence never fear this disease anymore. 
 
In addition, if governments done less efforts on the prevention, the results will be simple: more and more people will be ill and they spend more and more money on the cure and find the treatment. For instance, no one could imagine the result of SARS if there was no one knew how to prevent from being infected by the virus. Too many people have died for without taking the necessary preventive actions. But now, researchers are doing hard to find the way to prevent this disease to happen again and the results are confident.
 
In conclusion, I agree with paying more attention on prevention than to find cure of diseases or disasters. This is the only way for people to be saved from paying more money and pain because of diseases.

vanilla2006 发表于 2005-8-24 06:25

一家之言
在主题，内容和结构方面，我没挑到明显不合理的地方！
在具体表达上，给你挑挑错误吧！1。It is obviously that --》obvious （adj）2。instead of cure -》curing
3。the research of some meaningless treatment of some disease which almost impossible to cure。---》diseases（disease是既可为可数也可为不可数的名词,当它表示某种病是是可数而要是笼统的表示疾病则是抽象名词是不可数名词） -----》treatments（因为前边有some，所以具体话了，它和disease差不多，若怕some用多了，可将第一个some--》many） ---》which are（定从）
--------》the research of many meaningless treatments of some diseases which are almost impossible to cure
[align=right][color=#000066][此贴子已经被作者于2005-8-23 23:17:24编辑过][/color][/align]

vanilla2006 发表于 2005-8-24 07:04

concentrate more attention on -----》总觉得不得劲，要么说 concentrate on sth，要么说pay more attention on，英汗词典里好象解释contrate为 foucus attention on
AIDS is such a disease which few people have been cured 。which--》that（such。。。that）
先改一半，总觉得还有很多语法错误，我觉得您应该注重基本的语法问题，不避讳的说语法和基本功方面出现的问题有点多！！！虽然内容不错，可是若错误太多，也说不过去！这样的话加起来，我就不敢保证您能得6分了！下半部分我没仔细看，但涉及到了虚拟语态，there be句型等，请您仔细琢磨一下用的对否？或再找些身边英语学的好的帮忙改正！有一处错误明显 for without ------》for not taking（两个介词能放一起吗？）说实话，太复杂的语法我校不准！本人水平有限，可能无法提出太宝贵的意见，以上的也是个人观点而已！建议您看赖劲松老师指导的作文专题，我从中收益不少！不止对您有没有帮助！还有，建议您多复习一下以往学过的简单的语法知识！！！（名词，动词单复数；从句等初中和高中学过的基本知识）先克服了这些，我想进步会非常快！！
以上是我的个人意见，无论如何，是真心想要帮助你的！但是，成功还是要靠自己努力的！从过来人的角度给您一个建议和方向！！加油！！！！！！！ 
[align=right][color=#000066][此贴子已经被作者于2005-8-23 23:21:39编辑过][/color][/align]

parwa 发表于 2005-8-26 01:33

2楼的妹妹说的很有道理，过多的语法错误很严重影响文章的最终得分，尤其05年新的评分标准更是将语法单独提出作为一项标准，建议楼主加强作文的练习，同时写作的提高还在于对作文的修改和总结，环球*雅思学术写作中心也提供专业的雅思作文写作和批改的服务，可以最大限度的帮助你提高作文分数。

bluezhang 发表于 2005-8-26 05:27

表达方面还有一些问题，基本功不是很扎实。但是你能用一些复杂多变的句型结构，看了不少范文吧：），我去年这时候考的IELTS。总的来说你的文章应该能拿到6分。

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好心人看看这篇能不能得6分