4.5的作文是怎么改到7.5分的－大作文作修改样板
这是我们群里的某位同学最近的一遍文章，我修改后征得她得同意后特发给同学们看看，如果需要我们改的同学请联系我。13971010415 杨可每篇文章总共修改三遍：（少数同学可能改的次数要达到五遍）
第一遍：彻底全面地改
第二遍：电话讲解给出修改意见，和我添加的句子。
第三遍：给出最终版。
题目：some people claim that using tobacco has brought severe social problems and smoking should be banned while others say that smoking has some merits. Discuss the above statements with your own experience.
学生姓名：不好意思 分数：4.5 批改老师：杨可
第一遍：
In recent years with fast economic growth， the increasing rate of smoking has appeared all over the world（中文式表达，应改为the rate of smoking has increased all over the world。）. In (改为At) the same time, the incident (改为incidents) of smoking-related conditions has soared. As a result, weather smoking should be banned has been in (删去“in”, 改为brought into) the spotlight.
文章开头以背景描述的方法引申出论题，但整个开头显得有些单薄，并且没有一句完全正确的句子。
There is no denying that smoking is harm（动词错用成形容词，应是 “harmful”） for people’s health. Nicotine, the (在这里不需特指，应用“a”) main ingredient of (介词 “of””改成 “in”) tobacco, contains a lot of cancer-causing substances（再次指出，该句内容不正确。Nicotine并不含有引起癌症的物质，tar才是真正的凶手。）. Every year, smoking cause（第三人称单数 “causes”） thousand of people’s death（应是 “thousands of deaths”） which most of them dead in lung cancer (中文式英语，把 “which…cancer” 改为 “mostly attributed to lung cancer”). As another risk of the health risk (重复单词，应该是 “As an additional risk”), those non-smokers who stay with smokers are also under high risk of death because of passive smoking (短语搭配不恰当，这里应该改成 “are also exposed to secondhand smoke”). What’s more, the smoke of tobacco (缺少谓语 “is”) also harmful for the atmosphere because of the carbon dioxide which is the main cause of global warm.
该段从3方面分析了抽烟的危害。但总体上还缺少了一个主要的句子—中心句。可以在本段开头增加一个中心句，例如：Smoking does have some unignorable demerits. 描述部分用了连接词为这段争回了一些分数。但是，不正确的论据和过多的语法错误已经让考官失去耐心了。
While （不需要用“while” ,删去）there are also some merits about smoking. Firstly, the possessions of cigarette push the industrial (词语搭配错误，应改为the selling of cigarettes helps the economy). That much smokers cost a lot of money on smoking and the cigarette factories hand up a lot of taxes (中文式表达，可改成 “Not only do smokers contribute money to the economy by purchasing cigarettes, but the manufacturers contribute a great amount toward national taxes”). Secondly, smoking give（第三人称单数形式“s”） men a chance to show off themselves（删去“themselves）. They think it’s really cool to smoke before (改成 “in front of”) women.
该段有中心句，但是内容展开得不够丰富。只有3句话。并且语法错误多。建议：可以将每个好处更加详细化点。
As far as I （缺少 “am”） concerned, smoking has more disadvantages than advantages and I strongly suggested (用一般现在时，不用过去时。“suggest”) the government banned(改成should ban ) the (删去 “the”) smoking. And（不需用and,应删去）the type of action needed against (to stop) smoking should be similar to that being taken against illegal drugs and AIDS. I maintain that the simplest and most cost-effective action is to establish smoking-free (改成smoke-free)work places, schools and public places (用词不当，应是 “areas”).
提出作者的观点。提出的方法很好，并且有中心句。
In one word (可换成 “In short”), smoking should be banned, which is (改成would be) good for all human-being (换成“humanity”).
结尾有点简单。应构想出一个更加有力的结尾。可以回应开头。
第二遍：
电话沟通
第三遍：
最终定稿版
题目：some people claim that using tobacco has brought severe social problems and smoking should be banned while others say that smoking has some merits. Discuss the above statements with your own experience.
Whether smoking should be banned or not has become a much debated issue today. Tobacco is believed to be harmful to people’s health. However, it is undeniable that still a considerable amount of smokers exist in the world. I would like to examine the merits and demerits of smoking cigarettes in the following and then offer my own opinion.
Obviously smoking demonstrates numerous negative effects. Initially, smoking not only leads to lung cancer, but many other diseases such as sore throat, chronic bronchitis, pulmonary emphysema。 As an additional risk, Second-hand smoking also does harm to people’s health. Moreover, smoking is an expensive habit. If you get addicted to them, your daily amount of cigarette consumption will increase inevitably, emptying your money. Last but not least, smokers cause serious social losses, sometimes unconsciously. Statistics show that thousands of fire accident occur every year due to the litter of non-extinguished cigarette butts.
On the other hand, taking tobacco has some advantages. First, the selling of cigarettes helps the economy. Not only do smokers contribute money to the economy by purchasing cigarettes, but the manufactures contribute a great amount toward national taxes. Extremely high taxation imposed on tobacco manufacturing has released the financial burden for the government. Second, nicotine can produce a tranquilizing effect during high emotion and shock situation, and, therefore, it helps to calm people down. This is particularly true to those who have hard-brain-working jobs.
As far as I am concerned, smoking has more disadvantages than advantages and I strongly suggest that the government should ban smoking. The type of action to stop smoking should be similar to that being taken against illegal drugs and AIDS. After weighing the pros and cons of using tobacco , I propose that more restricted areas be banned so as not to violate non-smokers’ rights. 请问是什么群啊？？？？？？？？？？？？
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