杨可雅思写作修改样板
[font=宋体][size=12pt]这是我们群里的某位同学最近的一遍文章，我修改后征得她得同意后特发给同学们看看，如果需要我们改得同学请联系我们。[/size][/font][size=12pt][/size][b][font=宋体][size=12pt]每篇文章总共修改三遍：[/size][/font][/b][b][font=宋体][size=12pt]（少数同学可能改的次数要达到五遍）[/size][/font][/b][b][size=12pt][/size][/b]
[b][font=宋体][size=12pt]第一遍：彻底全面地改[/size][/font][/b][b][size=12pt][/size][/b]
[b][font=宋体][size=12pt]第二遍：电话讲解给出修改意见，和我添加的句子。[/size][/font][/b][b][size=12pt][/size][/b]
[b][font=宋体][size=12pt]第三遍：给出最终版。[/size][/font][/b][b][size=12pt][/size][/b]
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[font=宋体][size=12pt]题目：[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]some people claim that using tobacco has brought severe social problems and smoking should be banned while others say that smoking has some merits. Discuss the above statements with your own experience.[/font][/size]
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[b][font=宋体][size=12pt]学生姓名：[u]不好意思[/u][/size][/font][/b][font=Times New Roman][b][u][size=12pt]
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[/size][/b][/font][b][font=宋体][size=12pt]分数：[/size][/font][/b][font=Times New Roman][b][u][size=12pt]4.5
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[/size][/b][/font][b][font=宋体][size=12pt]批改老师：[u]杨可[/u][/size][/font][/b][b][size=12pt][/size][/b]
[font=宋体][size=12pt]第一遍：[/size][/font][size=12pt][/size]
[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]In recent years with fast economic growth[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]，[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [color=purple]the increasing rate of smoking has appeared all over the world[/color][/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（中文式表达，应改为[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]the rate of smoking has increased all over the world[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]。）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]. [color=purple]In[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改为[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]At) the same time, the [color=purple]incident[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改为[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]incidents) of smoking-related conditions has soared. As a result, weather smoking should be banned has been [color=purple]in[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]删去“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]in”, [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改为[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]brought into) the spotlight. [/font][/size]
[font=华文新魏][size=12pt]文章开头以背景描述的方法引申出论题，但整个开头显得有些单薄，并且没有一句完全正确的句子。[/size][/font]
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[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]There is no denying that smoking is[color=purple] harm[/color][/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（动词错用成形容词，应是[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] “harmful”[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] for people’s health. Nicotine, [color=purple]the [/color]([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]在这里不需特指，应用“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]a[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]) main ingredient [color=purple]of[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]介词[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]of””[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改成[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]in[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]) tobacco, contains a lot of cancer-causing substances[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（再次指出，该句内容不正确。[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]Nicotine[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]并不含有引起癌症的物质，[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]tar[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]才是真正的凶手。）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]. Every year, smoking [color=purple]cause[/color][/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（第三人称单数[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]causes”[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [color=purple]thousand[/color] [color=purple]of people’s death[/color][/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（应是[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]thousands of deaths”[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]）[/size][/font][font=Times New Roman][size=12pt] which most of them dead in lung cancer[/size][size=12pt] ([/size][/font][font=宋体][size=12pt]中文式英语，把[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] “which…cancer” [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改为[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]mostly attributed to lung cancer[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]). As [color=purple]another risk of the health risk[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]重复单词，应该是[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]As an additional risk[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]), those non-smokers who stay with smokers are [color=purple]also under high risk of death because of passive smoking[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]短语搭配不恰当，这里应该改成[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]are also exposed to secondhand smoke[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]). What’s more, the smoke of tobacco ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]缺少谓语[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]is[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]) also harmful for the atmosphere because of [color=black]the carbon dioxide which is the main cause of global warm. [/color][/font][/size]
[font=华文新魏][size=12pt]该段从3方面分析了抽烟的危害。[/size][/font][font=华文新魏][size=12pt]但总体上还缺少了一个主要的句子—中心句。[/size][/font][font=华文新魏][size=12pt]可以在本段开头增加一个中心句，例如：Smoking does have some unignorable demerits. 描述部分用了连接词为这段争回了一些分数。但是，不正确的论据和过多的语法错误已经让考官失去耐心了。[/size][/font]
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[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]While [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（不需要用“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]while” ,[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]删去）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]there are also some merits about smoking. Firstly, the [color=purple]possessions of cigarette push the industrial[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]词语搭配错误，应改为[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]the selling of cigarettes helps the economy). [color=purple]That much smokers cost a lot of money on smoking and the cigarette factories hand up a lot of taxes [/color]([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]中文式表达，可改成[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]Not only do smokers contribute money to the economy by purchasing cigarettes, but the manufacturers contribute a great amount toward national taxes[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]). Secondly, smoking [color=purple]give[/color][/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（第三人称单数形式“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]s[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] men a chance to show off[color=purple] themselves[/color][/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（删去“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]themselves[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]. They think it’s really cool to smoke [color=purple]before[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改成[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]in front of[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]) women. [/font][/size]
[font=华文新魏][size=12pt]该段有中心句，但是内容展开得不够丰富。只有3句话。并且语法错误多。建议：可以将每个好处更加详细化点。[/size][/font]
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[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]As far as I [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（缺少[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]am[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] concerned, smoking has more disadvantages than advantages and I strongly [color=purple]suggested [/color]([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]用一般现在时，不用过去时。“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]suggest[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]) the government [color=purple]banned[/color]([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改成[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]should ban ) [color=purple]the[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]删去[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] “the”) smoking. [color=purple]And[/color][/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]（不需用[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]and,[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]应删去）[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]the type of action needed against (to stop) smoking should be similar to that being taken against illegal drugs and AIDS. I maintain that the simplest and most cost-effective action is to establish [color=purple]smoking-free[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改成[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]smoke-free)work places, schools and public [color=purple]places [/color]([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]用词不当，应是[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]areas[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]).[/font][/size]
[font=华文新魏][size=12pt]提出作者的观点。提出的方法很好，并且有中心句。[/size][/font]
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[color=purple]In one word[/color] ([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]可换成[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]In short[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]), smoking should be banned, which [color=purple]is [/color]([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]改成[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]would be) good for [color=purple]all human-being [/color]([/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]换成“[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]humanity[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]”[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]). [/font][/size]
[font=华文新魏][size=12pt]结尾有点简单。应构想出一个更加有力的结尾。可以回应开头[/size][/font][font=华文新魏][size=12pt]。
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[b][font=宋体][size=12pt]第二遍：[/size][/font][/b][b][size=12pt][/size][/b]
[font=宋体][size=12pt]电话沟通[/size][/font][size=12pt][/size]
[b][font=宋体][size=12pt]第三遍：[/size][/font][/b][b][size=12pt][/size][/b]
[font=宋体][size=12pt]最终定稿版[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]
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[font=宋体][size=12pt]题目：[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]some people claim that using tobacco has brought severe social problems and smoking should be banned while others say that smoking has some merits. Discuss the above statements with your own experience.[/font][/size]
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[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]Whether smoking should be banned or not has become a much debated issue today. Tobacco is believed to be harmful to people’s health. However, it is undeniable that still a considerable amount of smokers exist in the world. I would like to examine the merits
and demerits of smoking cigarettes in the following and then offer my own opinion.[/font][/size]
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[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]Obviously smoking demonstrates numerous negative effects. Initially, smoking not only leads to lung cancer, but many other diseases such as sore throat, chronic bronchitis, pulmonary emphysema[/font][/size][font=宋体][size=12pt]。[/size][/font][size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] As an additional risk, Second-hand smoking also does harm to people’s health. Moreover, smoking is an expensive habit. If you get addicted to them, your daily amount of cigarette consumption will increase inevitably, emptying your money. Last but not least, smokers cause serious social losses, sometimes unconsciously. Statistics show that thousands of fire accident occur every year due to the litter of non-extinguished cigarette butts.[/font][/size]
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[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]On the other hand, taking tobacco has some advantages. First, the selling of cigarettes helps the economy. Not only do smokers contribute money to the economy by purchasing cigarettes, but the manufactures contribute a great amount toward national taxes. Extremely high taxation imposed on tobacco manufacturing has released the financial burden for the government. Second, nicotine can produce a tranquilizing effect during high emotion and shock situation, and, therefore, it helps to calm people down. This is particularly true to those who have hard-brain-working jobs.[/font][/size]
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[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman]As far as I am concerned, smoking has more disadvantages than advantages and I strongly suggest that the government should ban smoking. The type of action to stop smoking should be similar to that being taken against illegal drugs and AIDS. After weighing the pros and cons of using tobacco , I propose that more restricted areas be banned so as not to violate non-smokers’ rights.[/font][/size]
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[size=12pt][font=Times New Roman] [/font][/size] 的确很有帮助,回头尝试看看.谢谢. 看看,学习~~~~~
高手啊！
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修改
怎麽联系你呀？能帮我改改作文吗？我作文一直考５啊。好有帮助
怎样才能不用中国思维去讲英文呢？总是找不到出路！:han2页:
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