[原创]何钢对一篇雅思作文的详细评点（上）(页 1) - 雅思写作大家谈 - 新东方写作 - 无忧雅思论坛雅思|IELTS|留学|出国|移民

何钢发表于 2004-2-23 03:17

[原创]何钢对一篇雅思作文的详细评点（上）

各位同学：<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

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何钢将于2月24日至3月3日离京，在此期间可能无法及时回复各位的帖子。为帮助大家提高作文水平，了解雅思写作要求，在此公布本人用心批改的一篇学生作文，供大家参考。版权所有，请勿随意转贴。如欲转贴，请注明（北京新东方何钢）。<o:p></o:p>

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题目：<o:p></o:p>

Now many people think that we are spending too much time and money on protecting animals. The money should be better spent on human population. Do you agree or disagree?<o:p></o:p>

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学生作文：<o:p></o:p>

In reality, a large number of money have been funded on the development of human population in order to enhance the living standand. Although government and animal lovers have started to assist in conservation of animals, lacking of money and social awareness is still a key problem of animal conservation progam. now people should care and pay more for animals rather than living in luxury.<o:p></o:p>

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Government have put certain fund on wild animals, while a few part of them was spent on protecting animals legally. Instead, large account of money has been cost to murder them. eg. in scientific research, animals are more like victims whose body might suffer a lot even damaged through experiment in aimning of coming out a result from experiment, rather than lucky ones who can benefit lots care and love from hunman being. From long term view, government should not only spend money for current profits but aslo pay more for our generations.<o:p></o:p>

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Admittedly, although money has been gathered to set covervation program for animals, it is so limited that animals could not get a better care in zoos. Lacking of money is the mainly problem to maintain the running of zoos, which cause the animals have to transform to another area, and some of them could die for the frequently traving and uncomfortable weather. Animals are facing awful fate unless government could settle the financial issue by all means.<o:p></o:p>

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To sum up, animals lovers should do more effort to save the endanged animals especially rare species, by wakening up the social awareness and donating money. where people could save money for animals ,when we will get benefit from wildlife.<o:p></o:p>

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何钢的评点：<o:p></o:p>

文章共275字，基本符合要求。<o:p></o:p>

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1) Arguments, ideas, and evidence.<o:p></o:p>

审题：现在许多人认为我们在保护动物方面花了太多的时间和金钱。这些时间和金钱与其用来保护动物，不如用来花在人身上。你同意不同意这个观点？<o:p></o:p>

此题结构与《高分作文》第8页范文类似。在写作这篇文章的时候，首先应该分析我们目前在动物保护方面的现状：是否花费过多，并提出自己的观点。如果认为的确花费过多，要说说为什么。并且应该进行比较分析，为什么更应该花钱在人身上。如果认为花得值，那么要说说原因，然后谈谈保护动物对于人类的作用和意义。<o:p></o:p>

第一段话写得还可以，但是第一句话中的“大量金钱花在人身上”和第二句话的“动物保护”之间缺少关联。Thesis statement（中心思想句）过于简单。<o:p></o:p>

第二段话说的是政府虽然花了钱，但并不是保护动物，而是用动物做实验等。观点得体，但缺乏论证。为什么政府不应该花钱拿动物做实验，而是要保护动物？你应该说出你的具体理由而不是光泛泛地说为了子孙后代。<o:p></o:p>

第三段写得不错，用了让步加反驳论证，也分析了原因。<o:p></o:p>

结论段短促有力，基本合理。<o:p></o:p>

2) Communicative quality.<o:p></o:p>

文章关联性还可以。但有的句子之间缺乏联系。<o:p></o:p>

3) Vocabulary and sentence structure.<o:p></o:p>

<SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; FONT-FAMILY: 宋体; mso-font-kerning: 1.0pt; mso-ascii-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-hansi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-bidi-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: ZH-CN; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA">语法错误不少。主要集中在名词单复数、动词搭配、冠词、拼写等方面。用词基本得体。句子结构比较多样，但有的长句意思不清楚。

cs8088 发表于 2004-2-24 22:38

何钢老师:怎么才能找您批改作文呢?只要买卡就行吗?您讲课的声音真好听!

williamsly99 发表于 2004-3-3 04:09

楼上那位典型一位马屁精啊！！！渗的慌！！！

julia_qing 发表于 2004-3-3 17:39

何老师，我对上述的文章有这样的理解。先阐述一些有关文章的客观事实，让步加以阐述我的支持论点--增加保护动物的资金。第2段写虽然花于动物身上的钱占国家总花费的一个很大比例，但是并没有花在刀刃上；第3段写为什么要增加着方面的资金，例如动物是生物链的不可缺少的一部分，如果动物的数量有所变化的话对人类将会有怎样的影响。第4段就是再次阐述我的观点给以一定的升华。
但是我的难题就是是否应该花一定的手笔写我的反驳论点呢，就是也阐述一下为什么不要将花在动物身上的钱花在人身上。

盼望老师的回复并给以指点。谢谢！！<IMG src="http://www.51ielts.com/bbs/Skins/default/topicface/face1.gif">

joannamu 发表于 2004-3-5 18:21

何老师，请指教！

如何避免模上化的问题我二月考了5分，我5月底还要再考一次，如何在此期间提高到6分？谢谢！！

lx830509 发表于 2004-3-11 02:47

为什么我们班没有斑竹呢？

lovegermany 发表于 2004-3-26 06:34

评析好难懂啊，唉，智商不够啦。

zerg 发表于 2004-4-25 18:06

请问

买卡可以批改吗？怎么买？谢谢

bomb 发表于 2004-5-7 05:06

二楼的说话注意一点,何老师本来就除了长相有些困难,其他真的很出色.

SammyLee 发表于 2004-5-9 08:14

ahh?

leemark 发表于 2004-5-28 04:59

何老师

上边的那篇文章只谈到了应该保护动物，而题目中涉及两方面---animal protection and human population，所以文章没有完全回答题目中的问题，没有解释为什末钱不应该spent on human population,但是您在点评时没提到这一点，why

please

FUCKFUCKU 发表于 2004-6-14 20:00

KOOL

shuien911 发表于 2004-6-21 05:33

<img src="attachments/dvbbs/2004-6/200462021330539.jpg" border="0" onload="if(this.width>screen.width*0.7) {this.resized=true; this.width=screen.width*0.7; this.alt=\'Click here to open new window\nCTRL+Mouse wheel to zoom in/out\';}" onmouseover="if(this.width>screen.width*0.7) {this.resized=true; this.width=screen.width*0.7; this.style.cursor=\'hand\'; this.alt=\'Click here to open new window\nCTRL+Mouse wheel to zoom in/out\';}" onclick="if(!this.resized) {return true;} else {window.open(\'attachments/dvbbs/2004-6/200462021330539.jpg\');}" onmousewheel="return imgzoom(this);" alt="" />

Juanita 发表于 2004-7-21 23:49

老何改的有点意思。。。我想问，写作时用复杂句子一定比用简单句子好吗？

RENREN 发表于 2004-8-21 23:19

[em01][em01]这个老师真的哈可爱哦~zhzhe[em01]

pattyzq 发表于 2004-8-28 06:05

何老师,按照你上面的点评,这篇作文在雅思考试作文中能得几分呢?

allan2002 发表于 2004-11-19 01:56

a---?

rayearth 发表于 2004-12-2 06:19

有看没有懂

zxw1221 发表于 2004-12-6 02:45

多看有好处

chrisfan 发表于 2005-1-9 12:03

何老师，您的评点以看过。谢谢。。

leon47 发表于 2005-1-10 01:16

厉害～～～～[em07]

cz 发表于 2005-1-11 04:41

[em06我要考6分写作需要怎么办呢？

moonknight 发表于 2005-2-3 06:58

呵呵不错详细的

yeffl 发表于 2005-2-15 08:15

同样的题目我也写了一篇，不太熟悉雅思作文评分规则，也想请何刚老师拨冗指点一二。

As the wildlife protection comes to be one of the hottest issues forpublic discussion,some less conservation-minded people argue thatauthorities and NGO's are spending too much time and money onconservation programs, however, it is proven that funds forconservation programs are far less than what is needed for rescuingthose endagered species.

Though global awareness of protection arose from the fact that hundredsof thousands of species have extincted since human civilization,especially after industry revolution, conservation in many countries isa slogan rather than a well-funded campaign. Authorities thinks more ofretrieving from resources than returning to the nature. The commonreasoning is that compensation can be made after economy developed.Nevertheless, in the process of industrilization, people abused thenatural resources, damaged the forests and slaughtered wildlife foreconomical purposes. When ecological problems became critical,compensation could never be made for forest having disappeared andspecies extincted.

Funds and efforts are needed for different fields of wildlifeprotection as statistics continues to show that the number of the wildanimals falls down constantly even with increasing protection effortssupported by governmental and non-governmental funds. For example,money is needed desperately for equipping the policing forces againstpoaching of Tibetan Antelopes in Qinhai province according to somereports. Also investment in some indirect but long-term influentialprograms, such as ecological education is even more essential.Furthermore, in some countires, especially those countries whosenatural resources act as major GDP generator, authorities have to facethe dilemma of financial and economical sustainability, thus great sumof money and efforts should be invested in a domestic economyrestructuring for real sustainable development.

It is short-sighted human-centered convention, plus greed for financialbenefits, that lead to the abuse of natural resources, which directlyand indirectly threathens the wildlife. Obviously, to realize thedreams of the harmony between human beings and wildlife, more funds andefforts should be invested in conservation programs instead of puttingon human beings themselves who already enjoy much more privileges thanthe other species.

yeffl 发表于 2005-2-15 08:27

格式乱了，并且发现一处笔误，不知道为什么不能编辑，重贴如下：

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
同样的题目我也写了一篇，不太熟悉雅思作文评分规则，也想请何刚老师拨冗指点一二。

As the wildlifeprotection comes to be one of the hottest issues forpublicdiscussion,some less conservation-minded people argue thatauthoritiesand NGO's are spending too much time and money onconservation programs,however, it is proven that funds for conservation programs are far lessthan what is needed for rescuing those endagered species.

Thoughglobal awareness of protection arose from the fact that hundredsofthousands of species have extincted since human civilization,especiallyafter industry revolution, conservation in many countries isa sloganrather than a well-funded campaign. Authorities thinks moreof retrieving from resources than returning to the nature. Thecommon reasoning is that compensation can be made after economydeveloped. Nevertheless, in the process of industrilization, peopleabused the natural resources, damaged the forests and slaughteredwildlife for mere economical purposes. When ecological problems becamecritical,compensation could never be made for forest having disappearedand species extincted.

Funds and efforts are needed for differentfields of wildlifeprotection as statistics continues to show that thenumber of the wildanimals falls down constantly even with increasingprotection efforts supported by governmental and non-governmental funds.For example,money is needed desperately for equipping the policingforces against poaching of Tibetan Antelopes in Qinhai provinceaccording to somereports. Also investment in some indirect butlong-term influential programs, such as ecological education is evenmore essential.Furthermore, in some countires, especially thosecountries whosenatural resources act as major GDP generator,authorities have to face the dilemma of financial and ecologicalsustainability, thus great sum of money and efforts should be investedin a economy restructuring for real sustainable development.

Itis short-sighted human-centered convention, plus greed forfinancialbenefits, that lead to the abuse of natural resources, whichdirectly and indirectly threathens the wildlife. Obviously, to realizethe dreams of the harmony between human beings and wildlife, more fundsand efforts should be invested in conservation programs instead ofputting on human beings who already enjoy much moreprivileges than the other species.

yeffl 发表于 2005-2-15 08:35

再重贴，为什么？为什么？格式一贴就乱

As the wildlife protection comes to be one of the hottest issues forpublic discussion,some less conservation-minded people argue thatauthorities and NGO's are spending too much time and moneyonconservation programs, however, it is proven that funds forconservation programs are far less than what is needed for rescuingthose endagered species.

Though global awareness of protection arose from the fact thathundredsof thousands of species have extincted since humancivilization,especially after industry revolution, conservation in manycountries is a slogan rather than a well-funded campaign. Authoritiesthinks more of retrieving from resources than returning to the nature.The common reasoning is that compensation can be made after economydeveloped. Nevertheless, in the process of industrilization, peopleabused thenatural resources, damaged the forests and slaughteredwildlife for economical purposes. When ecological problems becamecritical,compensation could never be made for forest having disappearedandspecies extincted.

Funds and efforts are needed for different fields of wildlifeprotection as statistics continues to show that the number of the wildanimals falls down constantly even with increasing protection effortssupported by governmental and non-governmental funds. For example,moneyis needed desperately for equipping the policing forces againstpoaching of Tibetan Antelopes in Qinhai province according tosomereports. Also investment in some indirect but long-term influentialprograms, such as ecological education is even moreessential.Furthermore, in some countires, especially those countrieswhose natural resources act as major GDP generator, authorities have toface the dilemma of financial and eclogical sustainability, thus greatsum of money and efforts should be invested in economy restructuringfor real sustainable development.

It is short-sighted human-centered convention, plus greed for financialbenefits, that lead to the abuse of natural resources, which directlyand indirectly threathens the wildlife. Obviously, to realize thedreams of the harmony between human beings and wildlife, more funds andefforts should be invested in conservation programs instead of puttingon human beings themselves who already enjoy much more privileges thanthe other species.

bernardxy 发表于 2005-2-22 01:10

何钢老师以前给我讲过阅读。

profuture 发表于 2005-3-22 19:02

Ding!

鱼儿优游 发表于 2005-3-23 07:00

[em01]

joyhuang23 发表于 2005-4-16 19:30

我感觉这篇文章第一段给人观点很混乱。不知道到底是agree还是disagree.给人的第一印象不好。能给几分呀？

MeYeti 发表于 2005-5-8 19:31

Hurray

<DIV class=quote>
版权所有，请勿随意转贴。如欲转贴，请注明（北京新东方何钢）。 </DIV>
Hurray, I am glad there are people around who consider it important to specify something as [转帖] when it is not their own work.As a teacher myself (not in English, but in physics--or was, since I am already retired), and having served on a committee which drafted the college's policy on "Cheating and Plaglirism", I know how important it is to always cite the source of your quotation. The actual author must be, and should be, properly acknowledged.
 However, this is not always possible. Many popular Web articles have been reprinted so many times without proper citation of source that their places of origin and authors are impossible to find.
 Most of the time, it is just an oversight by the reprinter--if there is such as word--in forgetting to mention the work as a reprint. That, I guess, is excusable. However, we must all try to exert an effort in not mispresenting ourselves as the author of other people's work.
 I know how difficult it is to carry out that rule in practice.I am a moderator/administrator from another forum, and I know it is impossible to chase after every single poster to ask them to confirm whether their posts are originals or reprints.
 A few BBSes put up this sign "不管该文来自何处，拜托请注明转贴，以尊重别人，好吗？谢谢！" or "注明作者及出处." I think we should all try our best to follow it.

jerryzhu 发表于 2005-5-13 00:27

老师作文好深奥阿 
有没有不那么天数的高分阿？

baishui 发表于 2005-6-3 23:47

谢了[em02]

baishui 发表于 2005-6-3 23:48

大

baishui 发表于 2005-6-3 23:48

哈........

liyingshi 发表于 2005-6-6 00:15

thanks

lenaliangjian 发表于 2005-6-6 19:30

我计划8月份考试，到现在还没有开始写一篇作文，怎么办？

Sandy713 发表于 2005-7-15 23:59

[em08]

hwolfboy 发表于 2005-7-31 21:27

何老师，您的点评看过了，谢谢

Magicstar 发表于 2005-9-2 03:58

继续雅思的努力中

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[原创]何钢对一篇雅思作文的详细评点（上）

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Hurray