[原创]何钢对一篇雅思作文的详细评点（下）(页 1) - 雅思写作大家谈 - 新东方写作 - 无忧雅思论坛雅思|IELTS|留学|出国|移民

何钢发表于 2004-2-23 03:44

[原创]何钢对一篇雅思作文的详细评点（下）

何钢在原作文上的详细批改（括号为不妥之处，注释为修改）：

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In reality, a large number(1) of money have(2) been funded(3) on the development of human 

population in order to enhance the living standand(4). Although government(5) and animal lovers 

have started to assist in conservation of animals, lacking of money and social awareness is still a 

key problem of animal conservation program(6). Now people should care and pay more for 

animals rather than living in luxury.(7)

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Government(8) have put certain fund on wild animals, while a few part of them was spent on 

protecting animals legally.(9) Instead, large account(10) of money has been cost(11) to murder 

them. eg.(12) in scientific research, animals are more like victims whose body might suffer a lot 

even damaged through experiment in aimning of coming out a result from experiment, rather than 

lucky ones who can benefit lots care and love from hunman being(13).(14) From long term(15) 

view, government(16) should not only spend money for current profits but aslo pay more for our 

generations(17).

 <o:p></o:p>

Admittedly, although money has been gathered to set covervation program(18) for animals, it is so 

limited that animals could not get a better care in zoos. Lacking of money is the mainly(19) 

problem to maintain the running of zoos, which cause the animals have to transform to another 

area,(20) and some of them could die for(21) the frequently(22) traving(23) and uncomfortable 

weather. Animals are facing awful fate unless government(24) could settle the financial issue by 

all means.

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To sum up, animals(25) lovers should do more effort(26) to save the endanged(27) animals 

especially rare species,(28) by wakening up the social awareness and donating money. where 

people could save money for animals ,when we will get benefit from wildlife.(29)

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1 number修饰可数名词，应为sum

2 主谓一致，单数主语应该用has

3 fund作动词的时候不这么用。Cf: The project is jointly funded by several local companies. 此

处应用spent.

4 拼写错误及单复数。应为：people's living standards.

5 此处应加定冠词the.

6 拼写错误。应为：program.

7 中心思想句可改写为：I shall argue that more money should be allocated to and greater efforts 

should be made on the protection of animal life.

8 单复数。应为：Governments.

9 这句话的意思含糊不清。

10 用词及单复数。应为：a large amount of

11 词的用法错误。Cost (sb) sth. 例：How much did the work cost you? 这里的主语是money，

不能用cost，可以用allot, appropriate拨款，或spend, use花钱。

12 不要用缩略语。应改为：For example.

13 Human beings.

14 这整句话虽然是个长句，但是意思不清楚。

15 A long-term.

16 应加定冠词the government.

17 后代应该是future generations或者the generations to come.

18 拼写及单复数。应为：conservation programs.

19 词性。修饰名词的应该用形容词：main.

20 这个分句问题较多：情态助动词、动词用法、被动语态和单复数。应为：which may cause 

the animals to be transformed to other areas.

21 搭配。应为：die from.

22 词性。应为：frequent.

23 拼写。应为：travelling.

24 冠词：the government或the authorities.

25 名词修饰名词，一般用单数。应为：animal.

26 搭配及单复数。应为：make more efforts, step up sustained efforts或make concerted attempts

等。

27 拼写。应为：endangered.

28 应为：…animals, especially the rare species, …

29 最后一句话喊了个口号，但不知道喊的是什么：）

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（北京新东方何钢）

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dreamland 发表于 2004-2-23 05:01

何老师，这篇文章可以拿到多少分呢？7分可以吗？

希望老师预测一下吧，让我们心里有个底

Lucky_bird 发表于 2004-2-23 09:10

感谢何钢老师和新东方！！

black5377 发表于 2004-2-28 00:34

谢谢你，何钢老师！

温暖赫麦妮 发表于 2004-2-29 21:27

A SENSE OF HUMOR~

williamsly99 发表于 2004-3-3 04:11

不知我的水平什么时候才能提高啊！！！哎！

hpzjb 发表于 2004-3-16 02:55

thanks

lovegermany 发表于 2004-3-26 06:41

这个倒是不错！

superskyfirst 发表于 2004-4-15 04:03

比我强多了，我现在还在为能达到字数而奋斗！！！

天呀发表于 2004-4-26 04:34

如何才能提高呢？

elseifvicemt 发表于 2004-5-13 17:00

我是在为如何缩减字数而奋斗(废话太多了)

wisecrystal 发表于 2004-6-3 17:57

[[em01]
[align=right][color=#000066][此贴子已经被作者于2004-6-3 10:13:11编辑过][/color][/align]

davidvictor 发表于 2004-6-11 00:59

我写作文时常觉得没东西可写，不知道怎么组织论据，收集素材，或者词不达意。该怎么办呢？

FUCKFUCKU 发表于 2004-6-14 20:00

学习其方法

其它靠自己

shuien911 发表于 2004-6-21 05:35

<img src="attachments/dvbbs/2004-6/2004620213523625.jpg" border="0" onload="if(this.width>screen.width*0.7) {this.resized=true; this.width=screen.width*0.7; this.alt=\'Click here to open new window\nCTRL+Mouse wheel to zoom in/out\';}" onmouseover="if(this.width>screen.width*0.7) {this.resized=true; this.width=screen.width*0.7; this.style.cursor=\'hand\'; this.alt=\'Click here to open new window\nCTRL+Mouse wheel to zoom in/out\';}" onclick="if(!this.resized) {return true;} else {window.open(\'attachments/dvbbs/2004-6/2004620213523625.jpg\');}" onmousewheel="return imgzoom(this);" alt="" />

saragao 发表于 2004-6-26 05:46

看到还有与我同一水平的还稍稍增加点信心。[em04]

eye-ful 发表于 2004-7-4 06:18

Thanks for Mr. He, it is work outbut i find that i usually make these errors when i am writingthough i know these are wrong

susanlaw 发表于 2004-7-4 18:36

请问可以改我的作文吗

aaaa_power 发表于 2004-7-25 20:03

唉,万事开头难啊@[em05]

crystalzyn 发表于 2004-8-2 02:46

如何才能提高自己的作文水平呢？

Clare1986 发表于 2004-8-11 19:52

老师你太厉害拉, 寒假我一定上新东方[em02]

chameleon3D 发表于 2004-9-10 18:42

何老师，你为学生这样地细致地改作文，多钱一篇？

odsw 发表于 2004-9-10 21:36

很想念何钢老师阿

allan2002 发表于 2004-11-19 02:03

Thanks

weijian79 发表于 2004-11-22 18:39

zxw1221 发表于 2004-12-6 02:45

我是菜鸟，努力中

lyh510 发表于 2005-1-23 19:20

很想念何钢老师

兜兜猪 发表于 2005-3-16 03:59

[em03][em06][em07][em08][em03][em02]

兜兜猪 发表于 2005-3-16 04:00

[em02]

兜兜猪 发表于 2005-3-16 04:03

卡

兜兜猪 发表于 2005-3-16 04:05

[em06]siojdidoerhoihpoajIOEUOI IFFIGEHufgduguie iefwi wrutq iqy yueiruifguhur urfgurh uhfgyrtur huiyturi yuurytuertyu yruytruyfgup49ee89 uiu83 u 58u

qiujier 发表于 2005-4-11 05:10

Thanks Mr. He! I step on the national country of Australia more self-confidence

MeYeti 发表于 2005-5-8 19:14

If you don't mind, I like to add a few comments of my own.
(1) The sentence "In reality...standard." is disjointed from the rest of that paragraph. One would expect to read "XXXX(Lead in clause), but in reality (contrasting clause.)...." If it is the wish of the author to contrast the amount of money spent on humans themselves, instead on animal welfare, he/she should start the sentence without the phrase "In reality."
 E.g. Vast sums of money have been spent on enhancing our standard of living, but only a pittance is spend on protecting wild life.
 
(2)…(9) Instead, large account(10) of money has been cost(11) to murder them. eg.(12) in scientific research, animals are more like victims whose body might suffer a lot even damaged through experiment in aimning of coming out a result from experiment, rather than lucky ones who can benefit lots care and love from hunman being(13) . Mr.Ho’s comment was :” 9 这句话的意思含糊不清” and “14 这整句话虽然是个长句，但是意思不清楚。
 My guess is that the “murder” refers to the use of animals in medical and pharmaceutical research. I do agree that the whole sentence is less than comprehensible. Let me try rephrasing it for the author:
Instead, an enormous amount of money is invested in murdering them. E.g. animals, other than those lucky enough to enjoy the love and care from humans, are the victims/(sacrificial lamb) of scientific research. They suffer a lot and are even maimed or killed in experiments whose sole aim is to produce results beneficial to mankind. 
 
(3) Other minor mistakes:
assist in the conservation of animals
. Lacking of money is the mainly(19) problem to maintain the running of zoos, - ->The lack of money is the main problem in maintaining the running of zoos
Disclaimer: I am not an English teacher. I am just someone who is keenly interested in writing. My opinion are not necessarily correct. I am just exercising my right as an individual to freely express his/her opinion in an open forum.

lygrxc 发表于 2005-6-30 02:38

问有鸟用啊`~~~别人又不答~~~~~有什么了不起~~~~~~~
偶靠自己努力不是也考了8分嘛~~~~~
同学们~~~别指望别人~~~~有这时间多看看书的好~~~~~[em05][em05]

buail 发表于 2005-7-2 23:46

ok[em03]

Ashley_23 发表于 2005-7-7 18:24

作文是我的一个老大难问题，上次就是栽在这个上面的。最可笑的是，写完的时候感觉还不错...
看了上面修改的作文，终于知道问题出在哪里了
7/23号就要去考了，老天保佑别再出岔子了，我有在努力喔...
+U+U...

yuyuwxj 发表于 2005-10-14 17:34

xie

xxpp 发表于 2005-10-30 10:27

支持

Lottie 发表于 2005-11-10 04:46

Mr.Ho 大好人啊！[em09]

大菲菲 发表于 2006-5-5 20:44

[em01]

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[原创]何钢对一篇雅思作文的详细评点（下）