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请各位指导:这样的文章可以拿6分吗?焦急等待回应中,,

请各位指导:这样的文章可以拿6分吗?焦急等待回应中,,

Young children should stay in kindergarten or nursery schools so that their mothers can return to works earlier. Agree or disagree?

The working situation of female is a big issue in many countries. Comparing to male, female face more problems to concentrate in work, for example, many female have to leave their job and stay at home to look after the young children. Some people believe that young children should stay in kindergarten or nursery schools to free the female. I hold the same opinion.

It is obvious, sending young children to kindergarten or nursery schools can reduce female’s burden significantly. Many female experienced high level education , and should play an activity role in the society. However many of them have to leave the job for years to look after their children. It is really a damage for the development of the career. The China Daily reported a real story in 2004, Ms Wang, who graduated from UTS, was an professional IT manger, but she left the job in 1999 to look after the young baby. In 2004, she got disappointment while she tried to find a professional job, all the knowledge has been updated. It is a huge waste on the human resource. Many research show, female can do as well as male in most position, in some particular positions, female play better than male, such as nurse, office assistant.

On the other hand, the young children can obtain a comprehensive education at school rather than home. Now days, schools play the most important part in the education system. There are varied courses in the school, where children got learned a lot of general knowledge. Moreover, the school is the best place to develop the cooperation skill for children. The child becomes a part of a small team when they study in the school.

In short, many women can return to work earlier and play the right role in the society if the young children been send to kindergarten or nursery schools. It also has many positive aspects to develop children’s knowledge and lots of other skills.

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I am not quite sure buddy, but you did make some errors in your composition

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Thanks mate, but you know, i wrote this essay in a limited time, haven't modify it yet. Is there any other people can give me some comments? thanks

[em04]

TOP

文章写的很好,论述合理,层次清楚,结构自然,语言流畅,而且全文很清新,在7分的水平,如果能将以下在语言上的不足改正的话:

Comparing to male female face more problems to concentrate in for example, leave their job young children reduce female’s burden play an activity role got disappointment Many research show rather than home Now days children got learned develop the cooperation skill

美国研究生部留学顾问
新东方留学服务中心前途出国
网址:liuxue.neworiental.org
电话:010-62605599转610
MSN:  parwazhang@hotmail.com
QQ :  852222912

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yes,i  think so .

TOP

Thank you very much, my friends! I will try my best to improve it, I got lots of confidence from your words, thank you again,

[em04]

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you are welcome here to present your essay. Actually, I learn from you, too.

美国研究生部留学顾问
新东方留学服务中心前途出国
网址:liuxue.neworiental.org
电话:010-62605599转610
MSN:  parwazhang@hotmail.com
QQ :  852222912

TOP

可能我要给楼主一点打击,你如果考试时还这样写,肯定只能拿5分,因为除了前面的朋友指出的众多语言错误之外,你的论证还犯了一个很大的错误:论据不支持论点.例如第二段,你说的是把孩子送到幼儿园可以极大地减轻女性的负担,但你在论证时却大谈妇女如何需要减轻负担.你应该说能减轻什么负担,怎样减轻.如果你想拿6分,这个错误可能是致命的,老外会认为这样导致了交流困难,存在逻辑错误.

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-9-2 19:45:05编辑过]


TOP

你说得很对,其实我自己也看出来了,写的东西有点偏题,当时没考虑太多,就找自己熟悉点的东西写的。惭愧啊,还好不是真的考试,以后一定注意。谢谢。[em07]

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