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请老师批改一下我的作文,谢谢

请老师批改一下我的作文,谢谢

TOPIC:

many scientists believe that now we can study the behavior of three-year-old child to see whether they will grow up to be criminals

to what extend to you think the criminal is the production of human nature and can we stop the chirlden to grow up to be criminals?

关于孩子从小的天性以及长大后犯罪的关系,问有没可能stop孩子的growth以阻止未来的犯罪。

THESIS:

Have you ever found that a lot of boys become criminals when they were forced out of schools? Have you ever seen that the parents’ behavior can affect their children? Have you ever felt that a benign environment is very important for children’s growth ? If you have the experience above mentioned, you may agree with my opinion that a child who will grow up to be a criminal due to the education which was given by our society especially his parents or primary school .For this reason, we can prevent the children to commit crimes by education.

On one hand, education and the social experience is the safe guard for underage students to keep out of crimes. Some professors said that a person who have the experience of law study will have the fewer rate to become a criminal than other persons. Owing to the important about law education, schools should spend some time to teach laws to their students.

On the other hand, family should have the correct attitude on their children when they do something wrong. In particular, as a child have some foolish actions, we can not reproach him. Undoubtedly, we should point out his faults in a right way. How can we say it is useless? And can they grow up to be a criminals?

Last but not the least, I make the following recommendation. Firstly, we should enhance the education for youth.. Apart from this, we can make the students to understand strength rather than weakness, conviction rather than doubt, decision rather than drift. Secondly, the society should invest more energy. In addition, the government should provide much money and do some contribution for young student going back to school and reunion with their parents.

To sum up. The scientists’ research that children will grow to be a criminal by the wrong behavior when they are 3 years old is one-sided. Clearly, we can help the young children to get a successful life and a colorful future by fit educations. How can we say it is terrible?

broderick.go.nease.net

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已我的写作的观点看,开头太长,论证不够,总体缺乏说服力.

楼主要在文章结构上下功夫啊.

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本篇文章的问题较多,内容,论述,开头,结尾等。事实上本文根本就题目的问题没有进行很好的论述,而更多的再提建议一样。尤其是结构中的三个 连接词,On one hand,On the other hand,Last but not the least更是用的让人汗颜:On one hand和On the other hand应该是两个对比的观点,Last but not the least是一个老的掉牙用法,用来引出第三个观点,但作者显然还没有领会到这些词的用法,只是将它们机械的套在句首。另外本文的一些语法错误如下:

they were forced out of schools the parents’ behavior a child who will grow up to be a criminal due to the education which was given by our society especially his parents or primary school . prevent the children to education and the social experience is the safe guard Some professors said that a person who have the experience have the fewer rate Owing to the important about law education spend some time to a child have make the students to understand the society should invest more energy To sum up. The scientists’ research that help the young children to get a successful life by fit educations

多加努力吧,看你的用词及句法,写作突破7分也不是难事。

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