发新话题
打印

[讨论] 5分范文

[讨论] 5分范文

许多同学考试时得了某个档次的分数而不知道其中的原因和症结所在。现贴上一篇5分作文供大家讨论。大家可以畅所欲言,发表自己的观点,提出建议。我将在10天以后贴出我的评讲。(何钢)

fficeffice" />

The university should not provide so much theoretical knowledge but give students more practical training. Do you agree or disagree?

In modern society, more and more people think that the university should not provide so much theoretical knowledge but give students more practical training. However there’s also a lot of people do not agree with them. In my opinion, the university provide student more practical training is very necessary.

First, when people come to university, most of them is more than 18 years old, so they have ability to teach-self. That means student can learn theoretical knowledge mainly by self-teaching rather than by lessons.

Second, in modern society, the practical ability is becoming more and more important. But in school, students rarely have chance to practice themselves. The most of their life is compare with lots of books rather than practical training. Therefore when graduating from university, many students find them can not adapt social working requirement. That makes them frustrated. If this situation happens, it’ll be the failure of high education of the university.

Third, the target of high education is to bring up person with ability for society. The ability can be understood in two points: one is theoretical ability, the other is practical ability. As a result, the practical training is also a very import part in high education. Many universities gradually know that practical training is necessary but most of universities do not make enough effort or even give enough attention to this main task. Thus they could not really complete their duty.

So I agree that should not provide so much theoretical knowledge but give students more practical training.

Auguries of Innocence ---William Blake To see a world in a grain of sand And a heaven in a wild flower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand And eternity in an hour.

TOP

每段开头是不是太死板.论证不大充分,扣题好像不紧密.文章 读起来极其乏味.


当然这只是我个人观点.我的作文也只有5分.气死我了!

TOP

However there’s also a lot of people do not agree with them.开头好像就不太好,这句话更是没什么道理。。。按题意直接陈述同意或不同意可能更好

TOP

太死板吧?
ben

TOP

第一段就不是很好了,没有交代背景,且太罗嗦,


第二,三段没有topic sentence放开头,论证不充分,


没有让步,没有什么argument,利弊分析不够,


结尾也没有很好的总结全文

TOP

我觉得这篇文章得5分,其中一个重要原因是因为语句结构方面简单而且没有变化,一直用sb or sth +be+done or adjective的句式,虽然不容易出错但让你读起来不爽。毕竟writen English和Spoken English不是一个档次的,书面语要有一定的文学特点——艺术。这篇文章有点TOEFl作文的风格(大概4分或4.5分的水平吧,我的TOEFL作文就是这么写的得了4.5分,由此可见,美国农民没有英国绅士有文化^_^I am only        joking)看来雅思作文要有血有肉,不能只有树干啊。

TOP

我觉得语法错误太多了。比如第一段。好像应为in the modern society;However后应该有逗号,且这句话里有两个谓语动词。该段最后一句话犯了同样的错误。
第二段,most of them后跟are;teach-self是什么东西?没见过这个词,应该不是动词,不能跟在to后面吧?
第三段,practice应改为practise;most of前不应加the;compare应改为compared;when应改为after更好一些;第三行开头,them应该是they。
第四段,person应改为people;as a result用在这里好像有一点儿别扭;or even后应加don't吧?
最后一段从句没有主语。
整篇文章结构确实很死板,“First”那一段论证不充分,不过我认为最主要的问题在于语法错误实在是太严重了!

TOP

何钢 老师评讲~

TOP

何刚老师在哪儿啊,为什么不对这篇文章做点评呢,到底这篇文章得不到6分的症结在哪儿呢??

TOP

老何同志,现身吧!别让我们等久了!
yang_phillip@hotmail.com

TOP

这篇5分作文的问题所在

第一段话问题多多。首句照抄题目,要扣分,正确做法是改写(paraphrase)。试改为:It has been a common belief that practical training, instead of theoretical knowledge, is what university students truly lack and therefore should become the major task of university education.第二句话是串句(一句话里有两个动词):However there’s also a lot of people do not agree with them.应改为:However there are also a lot of people who do not agree with them.或者However a lot of people do not agree with them.但是这句话最好删掉,因为是不折不扣的废话。第三句话同样是串句。可改为:It is necessary for the university to offer students with more opportunities of practical training.fficeffice" />

第二段话只有两句话,论证不充分,何况还是个歪理。试想:如果学生过了18岁就有能力自学,因此理论知识可以主要靠自学而不是靠上课这样的说法能成立的话,那么难道学生上大学就是为了找个自习教室呆着?

第三段话和第四段话虽然有不少语言表达不得体甚至错误的地方,而且论证也不够充分,但基本上还是切题的,具备6分左右的水准。

文章结尾似乎生怕考官不知道作者会使用首尾呼应的写作手法,又照抄了一遍题目。这回呼应倒是做到了,可是由于照抄将不被计算进入总字数,更何况连抄都抄错了,宾语从句里少了主语,属严重语法错误。

这样一来,文章就只有5分了。至于高分作文,如8分如何写,请参见我另外的帖子。

何钢

[此贴子已经被作者于2004-4-8 0:43:11编辑过]

Auguries of Innocence ---William Blake To see a world in a grain of sand And a heaven in a wild flower, Hold infinity in the palm of your hand And eternity in an hour.

TOP

感觉有点怪。However there’s also a lot of people do not agree with them.没必要吧。而且,我可能会写disagree .the university provide student more practical training is very necessary.有语法错误吧,...universities providing students more practical training are necessary indeed.可以这样写吗?第一,第二,第三,要用副词形式吧。 语法错误虽然很多,但感觉最深的是论述的不充分。而且段落的安排感觉不好,特别是倒数第二段,好象说了一大堆又到起点。反正,一点说服力都没有。 哎,觉得本人也有些和他类似的毛病。

zhangwei

TOP

However there’s also a lot of people do not agree with them. 没有必要吧,为啥不用disagree.呢?. In my opinion, the university provide student more practical training is very necessary,有语法错误吧。universities providing students more practical training are quite necessrsry.可以这样改吗? 第一,第二,第三,要用副词形式吧。 错误多,但感觉最深的他论述很怪,且段落安排不合理,倒数第二段不象议论,像陈述。都到文章末尾了哎。总之,他不能说服我。我是考官,也给5了。 不过,觉得本人也会犯一些类似错误。哎哎哎...
zhangwei

TOP

我觉得它开头在RESTATE TOPIC时用了原文的好多词 非常多的语法错误 每个论点都没有展开

TOP

我上次也是5分,之前写过2篇随便练习一下,现又要考不知写几篇为宜(本人超懒)大概是社么方面,请赐教,叩谢

TOP

[em03] 没有扣题, 平淡无味, 字数不够,语法错误太多........

我是菜鸟, [em08] 具体也说不好, 请何老点评.

TOP

发新话题
Google