笑傲雅思

下面这篇习作是无忧雅思网上某老师贴的一篇所谓高分作文。但我觉得这篇文章的作者犯了个重大错误。大家看看，是否和我有同感。

Topic: The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the level of violent crimes in the society. Do you aggress or disagree? Prompted by some incidents of television and film inspired crimes, the issue of whether the government should control the amount of violence in films and on television has been a contentious discussion. Views on the topic vary greatly. Advocates claim that the practice of controlling the amount of violence in mass media is a brazen violation of the people’s basic right to know the truth of the world. For example, some films contain some violence, but they reflect the things happened around us. Rather than producing negative effects on audience, to some extent, these films educate them. Furthermore, violence in films or on television programs cultivates people’s senses of crisis and responsibility, which makes ordinary people and police work better for public security. Consequently, it is irresponsible and foolish to blame the media for violence in our society. However, opponents argue that violence in films and on television is detrimental to audience’s psychology. Taking fantasy for reality, people become aggressive and eccentric. They believe things can be solved by violence. In addition, violence has negative impacts on the stability of society. Research findings reveal that 60 percent of crimes are committed by teenagers after watching films or television which had a large amount of violence. Teenagers are so vulnerable and immature that they cannot judge whether the activities performed in mass media are right or not. As an illustration, a boy killed his younger sister in Australia because he imitated the violent scenes from television programs. In my opinion, the disadvantages of controlling the amount of violence in media outweigh the advantages. But I believe the government should label how much violence the programs contain on the screens, and parents and teachers have responsibility to guide their children and help them to distinguish right from wrong when they watch violent programs.

优雅

这就属于那种正反方面各写50%的文章，比较难把握，最好别模仿。但我认为这篇文章没犯什么大错，是好文。

笑傲雅思

文笔确实不错，可题目中问的是agree or disagree，何刚老师不是说此类题应就一个方面来写吗。这种分析正反两面的写法是应对discuss型题目的！

terry_zh

"Professional sportsmen and women give millions of people a great deal of pleasure and fully deserve the extremely high salaries they earn." Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

1) This is a controversial topic which my friends and I disagree on. Most of them think that professional sportsman and women, especially footballers and Olympic level athletes, deserve to earn extremely high salaries. They say that these people are really T.V stars who 'perform' to millions of viewers and so are very valuable. They also say that since a sportsperson inevitably has a relatively short career span due to declining fitness, they should be entitled to a large salary while they are at the top of their profession.

2) I disagree however, and think that sportsmen and woman are highly overpaid. Some of them earn tens of thousands of dollars per week in return for playing perhaps only one game; in my opinion, that is ridiculous. Also, sportspeople must really enjoy their sport or they would not practise it so much and be so good at it. This means they are being paid huge salaries for something they really like doing! As they are lucky enough to enjoy their job, a rare thing, I think they do not need so much money.

3) Finally, sportspeople can make enormous sums of money in competitions such as Wimbledon for tennis or the U.S Open for golf. In addition, multinational companies are always interested in using them to advertise their products, and they are paid very well to be sponsored. As they can make extra money in these ways, I think their monthly salary need not be so high.

4) To conclude, I disagree with the statement that sportspeople deserve their salaries.

256 words

Comment:

Paragraph 1	indicates that the writer may not share the majority view oon this topic and outlines some points of the opposing argument.
Paragraph 2	introduces the writer's viewpoint , and his/her reasons for holdibng this viewpoint.
Paragraph 3	continues with other justifications for his/her argument.
Paragraph 4	is a concluding sentence.

The style of this essay is direct and uncomplicated; the writer makes effective use of repetition of simple phrases ("they say…..they also say", "I think", "I disagree"). S/he tries to demonstrate vocabulary range by using several different words for 'large' (large, huge, high, enormous). The content is clearly organized, with 'markers', (finally, to conclude) and coherence is good. At 256 words, it is a perfect length.

笑傲雅思觉得自己很会写么？怎么说人家犯大错，你自己那么死脑筋才是大错吧，真是笑话

笑傲雅思

楼上的新手上路第一篇文章就很不友好地攻击我，挺有意思的，哪来的无名之火啊？我从未说过自己会写。我是困惑，困惑何刚老师的理论与高分雅思范文为何相违背，故而才提出来请大家讨论。楼上的朋友，请不要破坏论坛的气氛，谢谢！